Before-Or one year ago

I just realized that we moved to the Midwest about 1 year ago. This journey of ours was just beginning. Packing, cleaning, excitement and goodbyes. Those were all happening one year ago today.

I was also pain free one year ago. It was before endometriosis. It was before health issues that cause me to have to take endless medications to feel somewhat normal.

And by somewhat normal, I mean heal the physical pain. Heal it to a point that I can function normally. Not take it all away, now that would be too easy right?

Physical pain is easy, or some think. But it is the mental pain that still gets to me. I don't feel like the same person. I am sad that this happened to me. Pity party? Well yes, I am allowed to have one somedays. And that is what I feel like right now. Mad that my body has betrayed me. Mad that I let this get to me. Mad that I want to exercise and feel good, and lose weight and look and feel like who I was. Who I was "before"....

Functionally normal is a relative term. Normal is not something that can be defined, and I am okay with that. Quirks and personality's make people unique and who they are. People can join clubs that they want to join. To better themselves usually, that is what people become part of clubs and organizations for.

Well this club, the new one that I am in, the "endo club".....I want to revoke my membership. I want to take it back. Put myself back to normal. Newly married, new homeowners, new kitty parents, new to snow, new to the area.....I would be "new" at anything......other than endometriosis.

So that is what I have been feeling. This last surgery didn't do much to remove the pain. Now I am pretty sure that he removed things from my insides, that is not the thing that I am questioning. I just want to know why I still hurt. I have my post op appointment on Wednesday. I think that I am going to go back on the birth control shot. Depo Provera. What was "normal" for me for 8 years. Pre endometriosis. Pre Pain. It worked for me. Maybe it was what kept me pain free? Since nothing else is working well, I think that I will suggest that I go back to my normal.

I don't want to have to pretend that I feel fine. It is hard when you have 2 surgeries and everyone thinks that you are better. And you know what, I would assume that I would feel better too....

Well I don't. So off I go searching for the "before" me.....