When I was a little girl I used to embrace the scars that I had. They showed that I was fearless. They represented a fun time, or an adventure that I went on.

More and more I am bothered by my new scars. I look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and am automatically drawn to the one under my bellybutton from my appendectomy. Then the 3 on my lower abdomen bother me. A lot! These scars don't show fearlessness, they show fear. They are a constant reminder along with the everyday pain that I am a little broken.

Last night I was talking with a friend about everything that has happened. And she put it into perspective for me. And in a way that I was surprised yet slightly comforted.

What if all of the things that happened this year, happened when I was in college. Would I be in the same place that I am now? What would I have missed out on.

I honestly don't think that I would have been strong enough to deal with all of this a few years ago. I wasn't in the right place. I would have had to have missed out on events, friends and the time of my life. I probably would not have been able to do many of the things we did with a constant feeling of pain.

So for that I am grateful. There is a positive-that this happened now instead of then. I wish it never happened, but I don't get that option.


  1. Oh hon. Sometimes life is so so hard. As someone who has been dealing with back pain for the last two years...and yes I am angry and sad about that. I get through it by convincing myself that there are so many people that are worse then me, AND what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Sending you hugs and strength.

  2. That's the way to look at it: without your scars, you wouldn't be who you are today.

    I totally know what you mean, tho.

  3. Aww Ebess! Sorry I didn't get a chance to talk to you again this weekend, I'm off Friday so let's chat then!

    You are SO strong and I know you will get through this...I'm so proud of you for enduring and I miss you and love you lots!!