Irrational Fears?

I’m terrified. Yes, I’ll admit it. As long as I have wanted to be a mother I’m now so incredibly scared that I am going to suck at it.

I’m sitting here sobbing; I think that it has just now hit me that this is real. In give or take 7 months I will have another human being solely dependent on ME. I will be responsible for loving, feeding, changing, and ensuring the safety of another person. I’ll admit it; I’m not really the mothering type. When Dru gets sick, I get bitchy. I am not nurse like in any way, shape or form. I want him to get better as soon as possible because I can’t stand him when he is sick (and not because I can’t not look at him in pain, but because it’s annoying to me).

Yes, I basically just admitted that my sick husband annoys me. And when he had his wisdom teeth out last year, I left for a business trip for the weekend…Less than 24 hours after his surgery. I did leave him with a swimsuit top that worked well to keep ice packs in place on his swollen face but that’s about it. I SUCK.

I’m hoping and praying that the mothering instinct just kicks in and that I will be the worlds best mommy and know how to nurture my child. My mom was pretty kick ass at it (and she still is) so hopefully it is just passed down to me or something. And if that fails, at least I know that Dru is pretty damn good at it (if only he had boobs to breastfeed). He always takes care of me, after the many surgeries that I have had since we’ve been married I know that he will take care of me and baby better than anyone. He’s already the world’s best kitty dad EVER! Even though these cute cuddly fat cats know that mom is pregnant and lay on my belly (and bladder) every chance that they get, they still love their dad more than ever. 

It's Not A Lie

Please tell me that it gets better not worse?

Yes, I pee a MILLION times a day. I always was a frequent pee'r (this isn't even a word but go with me here) even before becoming pregnant but now it is like some sort of sick joke. I am constantly thirsty and consume enough water daily to almost be ashamed of, but I can't help it.

Pedro is not that big, I know because I saw him. You can't even tell that there is a baby growing inside me, not visible from the outside. Sometimes it looks like I have a food baby, but that is it. Not a baby bump to be seen. So how is this tiny being causing me to pee every hour? Sometimes every half hour?

I have a feeling that I am in for a long 7 months. And Dru? Well he isn't so excited that I wake up every hour in the middle of the night to urinate. I can't help it, but please tell me that this will get better and not worse because I might have to install a toilet in my bedroom.

Best Day Ever

Pedro (this is what we will refer to the baby as until he/she makes its debut into the world) is a lot like his mom and dad -- stubborn.

We had our 2nd Dr. appt today and we were thinking that we were just going to get to hear the heartbeat via hand held thingie that they place on my tummy, but it turns out that Pedro is pretty stubborn and likes to move about a lot so we got an unexpected ultrasound. The little guy was moving all over the place and I'm pretty sure that he waved at us, and has a great strong heartbeat.

Best Valentine's day EVER!

But in less baby related news, my book club read a book recently that involved making a life list. I thought that it would be fun to have a list of 20 things I would like to do before I die and decided that I might as well share it, and this is as good of place than any to document my list.

20 Things to Do Before I Die

1. Be a Mom
2. SkyDive
3. Bungee Jump
4. Swim with the Dolphins
5. Go back to Tahiti
6. Eat Sushi in Japan
7. Travel Sweden with Dru and my children
8. Catch a BIG fish (and have Dru be there to witness this)
9. Fluently speak Swedish (again)
10. Ride a train through Europe
11. Have a fancy ball gown and somewhere to wear it
12. Be in a movie (an extra is fine)
13. Bobsled
14. Hike a really tall mountain
15. See the grand canyon
16. Win money (more than $2000) in Vegas
17. Party with my girlfriends on a houseboat when we are 40
18. Finish my Masters degree
19. Throw the first pitch at a major league baseball game
20. Own a patio boat and have the summers to enjoy it

We Have a Secret

I’m not great at keeping a secret. In fact, I absolutely hate secrets, which is why this has been really hard to hold in.

It all started a long time ago when a boy met a girl and they loved each other and dated for a billion years before the boy proposed to the girl and they got married and moved to Minnesota. They added to their family with two beautiful fur babies named Stan and Molly.  

The boy wasn’t afraid to show his love for said girl – even when they were in college and the girl dressed up in ridiculous outfits with her Cuesta Palace “crew”.

I'm the one with the fab green shirt second to the left. 

To this day Dru still has his shirt (below) and wears it sometimes. I even wear it occasionally. It’s more awkward now that no one knows who a “Cuesta Palace” girl is, but reliving my college days is fun. And I’m sad to say that my shirt is a LOT tighter than it used to be.

Dru is on the far left. And yes, they are drinking Keystone (ick)

And if this shirt says anything, my shirts will only be getting tighter (and Dru's as well since he is being sympathetic).

I suck at taking photo's and the light wasn't cooperating with me. But you get the idea!

Yes, we are FINALLY pregnant. Pedro (this is what we are calling he/she for now) is set to make an arrival sometime around September 5, 2012 and we couldn’t be more excited. 

Ain't No Body Goin To Die Today

Yes, that was one of my dear mothers Facebook status updates over the weekend. She had the song stuck in her head. The one that I mentioned here that Dru and I walked back out the aisle to on our wedding day. And the song rings true for this year, but not just that lyric.

We're Gonna Have A Good YEAR! Yes, that is what rings most true. This will be a good year, I just know it.

And to top it all off -- I've been peeing in a bucket with a toilet seat attached to it all weekend. I mean, how could a year not be great if that is how you start it out? If any of you are wondering what I am talking about it resembles the below but this isn't the actual bucket or seat in question :-)

Image via google images

I'm being completely serious about the above, and it isn't because I'm crazy. It is because we have spent this amazing holiday weekend up north with some great friends of ours ringing in the new year. We are up at their cabin (actually not returning home until today) where we have enjoyed some good laughs, friendships, ice fishing (I didn't actually catch anything) and relaxation.

I hope that your year is off to a great start. And I must admit I'm pretty excited to return to the land of running water today!

What is Love

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about love and what it means to me. I’ll admit that I had been in a pretty dark place lately, and I am not always the happiest person to be around. The amount of love and support that has been shown to me in this time of need keeps me grounded and makes the tears less painful.

Love is your husband always telling you that it is going to be okay, even when I’m sure that his heart is also breaking whether it is for me, or for our situation.

Love is him being patient with me and keeping me grounded when I am wanting things to happen now.

Love is a hug or a kiss, or tears being brushed off my face when I am sad, or lonely or scared.

Love is friends that will drop whatever they are doing to meet you somewhere and drop whatever they have going on to come over and sit with you just because you need someone to be there even when you don’t want to admit it.

Love is being able to be completely honest about how you feel to friends even when it isn’t nice thoughts and for them to know how you feel because they have been there before. That the hate and sadness will subside and things will get better but there is no timeframe. It is okay to feel the way that you feel and they don’t love you any less because of it. They will even commiserate with you and laugh and or cry if necessary.

Love is friendships that have survived the test of time and new ones that feel like you have known someone for eternity when in reality it has only been 1.5 years that you have known each other.

Love is loving someone else’s child and her showing the love back and enjoying spending time with you as well. Even though you aren’t a cool friend her age. Kids just know these things, and sometimes we need their love more than they will ever know. It may sound small, but the homemade Christmas drawing that LilliJo gave me that hangs on my fridge gives me hope and happiness.

Love is waking up everyone morning to talk to my friend, even if she is already showered and going out to work hard, and her not judging me for “just waking up”. Part of me speculates that she is calling just to make sure that I am okay, but just hearing her voice in the mornings makes me feel better.

Love is spending time with just your husband over the holidays and being so content and happy knowing that it is just you two. Waking up late, and snuggling in a bed of baby kitties who adore their daddy more than mommy.

Love it hard, but if it wasn’t –where would we be now? If everything was easy and just handed over? 

I Have a History of Flashing

I'm pretty sure that I have shared my love of getting mail with you all at least once or twice. It's one of my favorite times of the day. But of course, our mail carrier is a little unpredictable in when they show up and it is almost always never the same person.

We used to have a pretty sexy mailman actually. But I haven't seen him in a while, so I think that he quit and is now pursuing his other passion of being a fishing guide. How I know so much about our mail carriers is beyond me, but let's just say that I am the neighborhood stalker. Nothing goes on in this neighborhood without me knowing. Except for that one time that I got locked out of the house and no one called to report me breaking into my own house. Whatever neighbors! We will see what happens when I see YOUR house getting robbed.

Anyways, I'm on this new kick that involves working out, showering and trying my hardest to look sexy (I would say pretty, but that is just a natural occurrence even when i wear sweatpants j/k) so I had taken a shower and was getting ready to do my hair. If you are like me, you probably don't wear pants when doing your hair. Come on, it's okay to admit it. I was dressed from the waist up and I had under ware on but they don't cover my whole behind if you get what I mean when I heard the sound of mail being put in the box that is attached to my house.

I was so excited that I figured that I would just open the door and conspicuously grab the mail, without pants on. Much to my surprise, the mailman was still standing by my door sorting through his mail and probably got much more than he was expecting on his mail route. This isn't the first time that I have accidentally flashed members of our community, there was that one time with the mormons...